Because according to John Tesh, the average person will gain 9 pounds in the next month

Seriously, I swear that sometimes his “tips” are not so helpful. Now I just fell like a gigantic lump of lard. Who needs to hear that? How about…”Just a reminder, that one serving of turkey you just had, yeah…that was 500 calories. I sure hope you didn’t have breakfast this morning.” Thank you, John Tesh.
But, on a more serious note, this is the time we all list things for which we are thankful. (Trying not to end my sentences with a preposition…should be something you’re thankful for). Aaannnddd, since I haven’t written about my mother lately, I thought I’d write some homemade traditions that come with the time of year. Everyone has great family traditions. Whether it’s systematically throwing out Aunt Alda’s crack-your-teeth fruitcake or singing Kum-by-ah next to a warm fire, they’re all special.

My personal favorite tradition is watching the Macy’s parade. No, this isn’t getting the family up all nice a quite and sitting around the TV, cheering with the balloon of Big Bird calmly floats by. This is me, by myself, maybe with HubbyBee, curled up in my own personal blanket, screaming at the TV for a solid 2 hours. My family used to watch with me, but they’ve started giving up. BigBrotherBee got tired of arguing with me, and getting cat scratches with I stole the remote from him when he refuses to change the channel to one that’s NOT on a commercial. Seriously. I get a list of all 3 channels the parade is on, and move between them during commercials. The screaming part starts about 10 minutes in, when the magic has worn off, and I can’t seem to get Meredith Vieira to SHUT THE HELL UP. Seriously. Between her and Matt, I just want to fly to New York, take their microphones and beat them over the head with them. Have you ever watched the whole thing? You get to see maybe a third of the parade, because they’re always interviewing some C-grade TV actor during the whole thing. If I had money, or was related to Ted T., I seriously would PAY the network to show the parade, uninterrupted and maybe with little banners across the bottom saying, “This program brought to you by Ovaltine…how about a nice glass of chocolaty Ovaltine, today! Or try, Ovaltine HOT.” Then my family could come back to watching the parade, and not try slipping me drugs in my morning coffee.

This year I’m hoping they still have the Turkey float that has the big, ginormous eyelashes that wave. I think that thing is over 80 years old, and I love it. Then we’ll see Santa, signaling the beginning of the holiday season. I am seriously like a kid, just waiting to see the parade up close and in person. One of my personal goals in life. After that, I’ll proceed to have a lovely dinner with my family and stuff myself. My personal goal this year is something like 15,000 calories. I should have that cleared up by the time we make it over to InlawBee’s for dinner #2.