Because according to John Tesh, the average person will gain 9 pounds in the next month

Seriously, I swear that sometimes his “tips” are not so helpful. Now I just fell like a gigantic lump of lard. Who needs to hear that? How about…”Just a reminder, that one serving of turkey you just had, yeah…that was 500 calories. I sure hope you didn’t have breakfast this morning.” Thank you, John Tesh.
But, on a more serious note, this is the time we all list things for which we are thankful. (Trying not to end my sentences with a preposition…should be something you’re thankful for). Aaannnddd, since I haven’t written about my mother lately, I thought I’d write some homemade traditions that come with the time of year. Everyone has great family traditions. Whether it’s systematically throwing out Aunt Alda’s crack-your-teeth fruitcake or singing Kum-by-ah next to a warm fire, they’re all special.

My personal favorite tradition is watching the Macy’s parade. No, this isn’t getting the family up all nice a quite and sitting around the TV, cheering with the balloon of Big Bird calmly floats by. This is me, by myself, maybe with HubbyBee, curled up in my own personal blanket, screaming at the TV for a solid 2 hours. My family used to watch with me, but they’ve started giving up. BigBrotherBee got tired of arguing with me, and getting cat scratches with I stole the remote from him when he refuses to change the channel to one that’s NOT on a commercial. Seriously. I get a list of all 3 channels the parade is on, and move between them during commercials. The screaming part starts about 10 minutes in, when the magic has worn off, and I can’t seem to get Meredith Vieira to SHUT THE HELL UP. Seriously. Between her and Matt, I just want to fly to New York, take their microphones and beat them over the head with them. Have you ever watched the whole thing? You get to see maybe a third of the parade, because they’re always interviewing some C-grade TV actor during the whole thing. If I had money, or was related to Ted T., I seriously would PAY the network to show the parade, uninterrupted and maybe with little banners across the bottom saying, “This program brought to you by Ovaltine…how about a nice glass of chocolaty Ovaltine, today! Or try, Ovaltine HOT.” Then my family could come back to watching the parade, and not try slipping me drugs in my morning coffee.

This year I’m hoping they still have the Turkey float that has the big, ginormous eyelashes that wave. I think that thing is over 80 years old, and I love it. Then we’ll see Santa, signaling the beginning of the holiday season. I am seriously like a kid, just waiting to see the parade up close and in person. One of my personal goals in life. After that, I’ll proceed to have a lovely dinner with my family and stuff myself. My personal goal this year is something like 15,000 calories. I should have that cleared up by the time we make it over to InlawBee’s for dinner #2.

The Postman rings twice

But the cable guy, he no ring at all!
Thank you, Mr. President for the unstimulating economic check you sent me in June which HubbyBee and I promptly spent on a 47″ flat screen TV. Actually, that check went directly into the savings account just to spite. Then we took HB’s bonus from work to Costco and walked out with a TV that didn’t fit into our car. We did everything to wedge that sucker into the back of his Mazda 6, but it was a no go. So we had to call CBee with his truck to come get us. Is this America? I think so. We purchased a TV that was SO big, it didn’t fit into our car. Don’t feel bad for us, please. It looks just as ridiculous in our living room as it did in the parking lot of Costco while we were sitting on the curb waiting for CBee to come across town to bail us out.

However, that was not the end of our problems. We have spent the next three plue months fighting our universal remote. The TV hates it. And us. I am currently sitting on the couch living what has been our life ever since we got this damned thing. With the new cable box (because of the HD channels) and the new TV, and even our new remote, I can’t get the cable to turn on. Yes, I could go up to the box and change the channel manually, but have you tried to channel surf 729 channels? Half of them you don’t get? It’s a freaking nightmare!

So, I just sit here until the TV decides to stop throwing a fit and let me change the channel. Most of the time I’m stuck watching Sports Center until it behaves, or right now I’m stuck listening to Eurythmics “Here Comes The Rain Again.” Remember that song? From their 1983 album Touch? “Here Comes the Rain Again. Falling on my head like a memory. Falling on my head like a new emotion.” “I want to talk like lovers do.” God the eighties were weird. But I digress.

The cable company has no idea what’s going on. But they did let us know that our cable box was not registered, so they went ahead and did that and we lost all of our free movie channels. Damn. But I STILL CAN’T USE MY REMOTE. Not only that, but I can’t change to DVD, Wii, VCR. This sucks.

OH! But The Pretenders “Boots of Chinese Plastic” just came on. ’scuse me, I need to rock out. Or something.